There and back again

A Moment by Mary Elizabeth Coleridge

The clouds had made a crimson crown

Above the mountains high.

The stormy sun was going down

In a stormy sky.

.

Why did you let your eyes so rest on me,

And hold your breath between?

In all the ages this can never be

As if it had not been.

We can’t go backwards.  That’s the thought that’s been occupying my mind for the past few weeks.  My lover… my boyfriend… when did things get so complicated?  And why?  I’m not talking about having a lover and a boyfriend, but rather my individual relationship with both of them.

With my lover, I miss the time when it was fun, flirty, and frequent.  Yes, that’s the way things are with new relationships of any sort, but this stage of uncertainty, where our relationship will grow or dwindle is a little scary. We have reached that point where the clouds have painted the sky a beautiful crimson and the sun has set on flirty infatuations stage, but now that the storm has cleared, will the evening be calm?  Will he be at my side at dawn when the sun rises to bring forth a new day?

My boyfriend and I have reached a different stage of our relationship, the “shit or get off the pot” stage.  He’s scared, I know he’s scared.  He wants to go back to the time when we didn’t care about anything and we didn’t have to care about anything.  He’s scared of settling down, becoming an adult, being responsible and accountable for things (work, rent, me, family, friends), meeting or not meeting expectations… The list is endless.  We’ve been through so many things together, that going back is not an option though.

Me, I don’t fear the future.  I’ve always been forward thinking, looking (sometimes rushing) to move from one stage to the next.  Like Mary Coleridge says, “In all the ages this can never be/ As if it had not been,” but why did we let our eyes rest and hold our breath as we waited for the storm?

Drama (or other things you can’t talk about with your lover)

I’m supposed to meet my lover tomorrow but I’m not sure I can be happy for him.  It’s been three weeks since we’ve seen each other, one since we’ve spoken, and while I want to see him, the timing couldn’t be worse.  Then again, bad things happen in threes so maybe this will prove to be ill-fated anyway.

So much is going on in my life that I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it.  All I want to do is escape it all, but the thing about drama is that it follows you until it’s resolved.

I can be rash at times

After my freak out last week, when I was so sure that my lover was bored with me and wanted to end things, I sent him a shameful email.  As Keats pointed out, my hormones took control and I let my emotions get the best of me.  I kept the email short and to the point then hit the trigger button, “Are you bored with me?  Did I say or do something that struck a nerve?  Are you just done with me?  I know you don’t owe me anything, but I would at least like to know if you’re saying goodbye.”

So after not hearing from him for a week and a slew of unanswered emails, I got a response back in hours.  “Why on earth would you think I didn’t want to see you any more?  I’m definitely not bored with you at all, not even slightly.  All is good. *kisses*”  He had been away for a few days.

I still think that things have changed in the past few weeks.  In the past, he’s told me when he was going to be busy in advance.  There weren’t a lot of details, “I have a business trip,” or “I’m going to a party,” or even “I’m meeting my girlfriend” (said once in the beginning), the point is that I knew what to expect.  I don’t get that from him so much anymore, just the days that he’s available.

He’s still distant and although we met, talked, and fucked this week as usual, it felt forced.  Or maybe it was constrained.  That feeling is partly my fault, I’ve pulled back some out of fear of the ridiculous so maybe he’s just responding to the vibes that I’ve been putting out.  It’s also very possible that I’ve made things worse with that email.  Only time will tell.

It’s been about a month since I’ve sent him a lusty message, I wonder if he’d still be okay with getting one of those from me.  mmm, I still want to fuck him… it’s an ache that won’t go away.  Six months… perhaps I should just be grateful that we’ve been able to enjoy each other this long.  Perhaps I should stop getting in my own way so that we can continue to enjoy each other for another six months.

To whom a hyacinth is dearer

I was reminded by Merlin’s comments to “How the hell did I get here?” and “I love you but I don’t…” that a relationship like this doesn’t come along often and “the risk of rejection is far outweighed by the possibility that following your deepest desires may lead to the best times of your life.” He suggested I allow my feelings to evolve and to be true to myself.  The first, I’ve done in the most brilliant and wonderfully reckless way.  As for the other, if I’m to be true to myself, I have to ask for answers to the questions that are on my mind.  That means no more games, no more wondering, and no more doubt.

◊ ◊ ◊

Hyacinth by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I am in love with him
To whom a hyacinth is dearer
Than I shall ever be dear.

On nights when the field-mice
Are abroad, he cannot sleep.
He hears their narrow teeth
At the bulbs of his hyacinths.

But the gnawing at my heart…
He does not hear.

◊ ◊ ◊

My lover has never been very expressive with me (nor I with him), not in the intimate way that one would guess lovers would be.  However, he has been reticent as of late and I have definitely noticed a withdrawal of sorts.  Maybe he isn’t more fascinated with a flower than he is with me, but I’m certain of two things: there is something that captures his interest more than I and that he doesn’t know of the gnawing at my heart.

So, to my lover, to whom a hyacinth is dearer, I want the possibility that Merlin speaks of, I want the best times of my life, and I want you.

Pardon me while I freak out

I am constantly filled with doubt lately.  Am I pretty enough, am I interesting enough, do I like him too much, is he bored with me, and where the hell do I stand with him?  He tells me that he likes my body, that he likes me cunt, but I can’t help but wonder if he’s feeding me lip service.  I don’t think he’s lying, but is he saying it for my benefit or is he being sincere?  (Didn’t I have these same thoughts when he called my name as he came?)  He has said that I’m stunning, beautiful and shinny after sex, absolutely gorgeous, but in my mind, in my mind I think that it can’t be me who’s inspiring such words.

I like him.  A lot. Anyone who reads my blog knows that, though.  Aside from the sex and the physical attraction, I love his mind.  I have this thing for smart guys.  You can be the hottest man on the planet, but if you’re an idiot, your attractiveness level drops a few notches.  My lover is really smart.  I can’t outwit him so I’ve learned not to put anything past him.  (Actually, I wonder if he reads this blog.)  So, maybe I’ve invested too much of myself without telling him I’ve done so and maybe I’ve invested too much of myself without regard to the thousands of miles that separate us.

Is he bored with me?  That’s the biggest question I’ve been asking myself the past few weeks.  Our emails have become less frequent, responses are slower, we’ve been chatting a little less.  I know that he has other, more important obligations in his life — his girlfriend, his work, family and friends — but should I take these things as a sign that things are coming to an end?

Not knowing where I stand is the worst.  He has said that I can ask him anything, we’ve been lovers for months after all, but when can I ask him, “are you bored with me, do you want to cool things off for a while, or are you just busy?”  Before sex, after sex, via email?  None of those are great times to have a serious chat.  And anyway, who wants to have chats like that with their lover?

I hate it when I get like this.  I think that I’m going to give him his space for a while (and take some space of my own while I mellow out).  Of course I still want him, I’m still enamored with him, but time might be what’s needed here.  If he comes back, then great.  And if…